Without warning
With no indication
And no sign to suggest
That my heart was about to brim
The saltwater tears formed
Blurring my vision
Already clouded by the fog and rain
These tiny drops took their time
At first
And then showered down my face
Without warning
With no indication
And no sign
Your face however
At that moment
Was clear and
Even though I have seen it before
It has rarely been in this guise, yet
There it was in front of me
And I knew that it was you
Immediately.
I don’t like you
When you come in this fashion.
I like you when you come to those
Who have lived long productive lives
And are at peace
With what they have
Seen and
Experienced and
Offered in this life
When they have given love
And received love
And joy shows in every wrinkle
On their faces.
I like you when you come to those
Who have made peace
With the adversity
That they are experiencing
When you bring relief from physical suffering
Though I admit
That even
In those moments
I wish that you could wait
That instead of you coming
Sweeping miracles
Of physical healing
Could blow over these dear ones
Like the autumn wind
On a dreary Monday afternoon
Sweeping across the last
Of amethyst and blue-violet
Summer blossoms
And in those moments
I find myself looking for your face
And breathing a sigh of relief
When I know that you are near
But today,
Like the other day,
I do not welcome your face
Its terror
And horror
Visible over and over again
In my mind’s eye.
It is your face
That lurks around
Those whose faces
Show the pain and agony
Of hunger
Of danger
Of violence
Of neglect
Of fear
and loneliness
and darkness
The faces
Break my heart
And haunt my thoughts
Long after their lives
Have brushed with mine
I saw your face
Darting in the shadows
That surrounded a tiny child in India
Who was older than she appeared
Whose face was wracked with the pain
And agony
Of a meager, destitute life
I saw your face
Darting in the shadows
That surrounded a woman in Pakistan
Who was younger than she appeared
Whose face was wracked with the pain
And agony
Of a dangerous, fearful life
I saw your face
I see your face
Darting in the shadows
That surrounded and surrounds
Men and women and children
Whose faces never show their rightful age
But show the pain
And agony
Of poverty
Of homelessness
Of sickness
Of heartbreak
And so many other conditions
That keep coming to me over and over and over
Again
And so
Here it is again
Your face
Of horror and fear and despair
Claiming the life of one so young
So promising
So discouraged
That when he saw your face
He went with you
And left us all asking
Why?
I wonder if
Once your face is seen,
Is it possible to turn away
And find consolation
Somewhere else?
I wonder about one
So dear to my heart
Who felt so discouraged
Who saw your face
And somehow turned away
I wonder how many more
So dear to the heart
Of the Holy
Are seeing your face
This night
Trying so desperately
To forget how your face looks
Trying so desperately
To turn away
In the silence
So dark and deep
A cavern of cobalt
Where my truest self thrives
Where my prayers
Unspoken
Are heard,
I do not see your face
As I did earlier
But I hear your voice
Echoing
With a longing for me to understand
That the horror
And the terror
That show on your face
Are the reflections of your own heart
That show
Over and over
Because your duty
Is to cradle
In your arms
All of us
To carry us from here to there
And place us
In the arms of the One
Who is the source of
Love and Life
And sometimes
This eternal task
Is almost more than you can bear.
In the Face of Death © by Alicia Randolph Rapking, October 16, 2018
Photos © by Alicia Randolph Rapking, October 16, 2018
