In the Face of Death

 

 

Without warning

With no indication

And no sign to suggest

That my heart was about to brim

The saltwater tears formed

Blurring my vision

Already clouded by the fog and rain

 

These tiny drops took their time

At first

And then showered down my face

Without warning

With no indication

And no sign

 

Your face however

At that moment

Was clear and

Even though I have seen it before

It has rarely been in this guise, yet

There it was in front of me

And I knew that it was you

Immediately.

 

I don’t like you

When you come in this fashion.

I like you when you come to those

Who have lived long productive lives

And are at peace

With what they have

Seen and

Experienced and

Offered in this life

When they have given love

And received love

And joy shows in every wrinkle

On their faces.

 

I like you when you come to those

Who have made peace

With the adversity

That they are experiencing

When you bring relief from physical suffering

Though I admit

That even

In those moments

I wish that you could wait

That instead of you coming

Sweeping miracles

Of physical healing

Could blow over these dear ones

Like the autumn wind

On a dreary Monday afternoon

Sweeping across the last

Of amethyst and blue-violet

Summer blossoms

 

 

And in those moments

I find myself looking for your face

And breathing a sigh of relief

When I know that you are near

 

But today,

Like the other day,

I do not welcome your face

Its terror

And horror

Visible over and over again

In my mind’s eye.

 

It is your face

That lurks around

Those whose faces

Show the pain and agony

Of hunger

Of danger

Of violence

Of neglect

Of fear

and loneliness

and darkness

The faces

Break my heart

And haunt my thoughts

Long after their lives

Have brushed with mine

 

I saw your face

Darting in the shadows

That surrounded a tiny child in India

Who was older than she appeared

Whose face was wracked with the pain

And agony

Of a meager, destitute life

 

I saw your face

Darting in the shadows

That surrounded a woman in Pakistan

Who was younger than she appeared

Whose face was wracked with the pain

And agony

Of a dangerous, fearful life

 

I saw your face

I see your face

Darting in the shadows

That surrounded and surrounds

Men and women and children

Whose faces never show their rightful age

But show the pain

And agony

Of poverty

Of homelessness

Of sickness

Of heartbreak

And so many other conditions

That keep coming to me over and over and over

Again

 

And so

Here it is again

Your face

Of horror and fear and despair

Claiming the life of one so young

So promising

So discouraged

That when he saw your face

He went with you

And left us all asking

Why?

 

 

I wonder if

Once your face is seen,

Is it possible to turn away

And find consolation

Somewhere else?

 

I wonder about one

So dear to my heart

Who felt so discouraged

Who saw your face

And somehow turned away

 

I wonder how many more

So dear to the heart

Of the Holy

Are seeing your face

This night

Trying so desperately

To forget how your face looks

Trying so desperately

To turn away

 

In the silence

So dark and deep

A cavern of cobalt

Where my truest self thrives

Where my prayers

Unspoken

Are heard,

I do not see your face

As I did earlier

But I hear your voice

Echoing

With a longing for me to understand

That the horror

And the terror

That show on your face

Are the reflections of your own heart

That show

Over and over

Because your duty

Is to cradle

In your arms

All of us

To carry us from here to there

And place us

In the arms of the One

Who is the source of

Love and Life

 

And sometimes

This eternal task

Is almost more than you can bear.

 

 

In the Face of Death © by Alicia Randolph Rapking, October 16, 2018

Photos © by Alicia Randolph Rapking, October 16, 2018