Thursday Musings at Year’s beginning

Today, I am slow of mind and heart. At least that is what it feels like. I think I really need a vacation–some time off to renew before Lent begins. That seems so funny to say since we are not even finished with Christmas yet, but Lent is early this year–Feb. 14. I want some rest before jumping into that season–some renewal, new ideas and courage.

There is always so much on my mind and heart. I ask God, in the depths of my heart, if that isn’t normal for everyone else, but I don’t really receive an answer. My mind and heart wear me out at times and it is getting more evident to me year by year. Is it because I am getting older or is it because my mind and heart are both more open to the people and situations that God places me in and places within me? I can’t begin or end each day without thinking about the need for peace and wondering if that word has ever really been understood. Is it even possible for humanity to know what life can be like in the presence of the reality of peace? Is it just a word that adorns our Christmas cards or we mention in half-hearted prayers?

Peace. Peace. Peace. At times today, I have felt like I can’t move forward without really knowing more about that word. How do I allow my life to yearn for something that sounds so nice, so life-giving, so needed when I am not sure what yearning for peace means for the way God expects me to live my own life–day by day, moment by moment–much less how God expects me to lead others in the yearning for and to a life of peace. Sigh. I know that deep in my heart I yearn to be a peacemaker, but what does that even mean?

And this is just one thought in my overcrowded heart and mind. Just one of many situations. Just one situation that contains the lives of so many–people I know and people I don’t know.

It is winter. I need to reflect nature. I need to rest and renew–to hunker down in the cold and dark, with my thoughts and God’s thoughts. I need to create and read and pray. I need to sit with God in silence. I need to move away from scrolling on screens and be content with an audio book while I am stitching or knitting or better yet, I need to be content with silence.

I need to take care of my body, eat good food and food that is good for me, check my blood sugar, take my meds, rest, sleep, walk, and swim.

I need to be out in nature, in all kinds of weather. I need to bundle up and let the wind sting my cheeks, snow flakes melt on my mittened hands or allow the rain to wash over me. I need to begin in darkness, to watch the day get light and to watch as the day fades to ever shortening nights. I need to notice and let the sleeping earth nourish my soul. I need to listen to the sounds of the wind, the rustles of the squirrels, the gobbles of the flock of turkeys that live in the woods behind my house. I need to watch silently, as the deer move toward the corn that my neighbor puts out for them, as they pause to look up at me and wish me glad tidings. I need to feed the birds and then watch which ones come with joy and hunger.

I need to ponder, to take time to think about what it means for me to take the teachings of Jesus more seriously in my life and to ponder notions and ideas about justice and peace and nature and hope and abundant life.

I need to write, snippets and poems and essays that others might see and in my journal where my inner life flourishes without the prying and questioning eyes of someone who may not get my mystical nature and the way God and I live together, in and through and around each other.

I need to give myself permission to be like the branches of an evergreen tree in winter–resting, allowing snow upon snow to accumulate in my branches and on my needles, to rest in silence, to offer to the world hope and beauty even as I seek hope and beauty myself.

Yes. Yes indeed. This is what is shadowing in my soul today. This is my soul telling me what I need.

What is it that you need on this Thursday at the year’s beginning?